Author: Cathy Penman

Winter Wonderland

Posted on by Cathy Penman

Well I’ve got seriously hooked on Winter Wonderland (a giant funfair and christmas market) in London’s Hyde Park this year.

I’ve been four times.

The first time I went alone and was so aware of everyone around me being in couples and groups, I don’t think I saw one other person on their own.  So I contrived to go back a couple of times with people I didn’t know very well, which was better in a way but didn’t feel great.  (I guess what you really want is to be there with the person you loved and enjoyed the company of and who you knew so well, but that’s no longer possible.)  I went back again yesterday on my own and felt a bit better.  Clinging onto my idea that although he’s no longer here, there’s still ‘me and the world’, and why can’t I enjoy what the world has to offer even though I’m on my own.

I had another profound revelation, that I’ll have to ‘compartmentalise’ my life more now.  Whereas he, my dear life partner, covered several aspects, maybe now I’ll just have to separate things.  Not expect ‘intellectual stimulation’ along with ‘companionship’.  Find ‘humour’ in one place and ‘emotional support’ in another.

I’ve just written a page long list of all the rides and attractions I can remember at Winter Wonderland – there is so much to look at and to do.  I went on the observation tower and to the ice show, and would really have loved to go on one of the fast things, like the main roller coaster that goes upside down five times.  But I can’t judge whether I’d like it or hate it – maybe next year I’ll pluck up courage.

I listened to live music in six different places, and also drank mulled wine and ate bratwurst, spit roast chicken, sweedish meatballs, and waffles (not all on the same day!)

One feature of Winter Wonderland is my favourite – I fell in love with the giant christmas tree children’s ride, where you sit in a spherical ‘bauble’ that goes round and up and down gently.  I just loved watching the various coloured lights at night – it’s programmed to run through so many options and is just a beautiful thing.  First it’s all red lights, then flashing white, then maybe green and purple (various combinations of two colours), then it’s all blue, then twinkling yellow and pink, then every branch a different colour…  Mesmerising, and so pretty.

Those of us still on the planet should cling onto and enjoy places like this – as they are so full of LIFE.

 

Green zebra skirt

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Oh really, when am I going to wear something like this?  What a ridiculous purchase!

But it was so wonderful, the colour, the feel of the material; I couldn’t resist.  From a shop in Brighton – not the first obscure item of clothing I have bought in that town, and which I hardly ever wear!

However, this skirt is going to symbolise the new, ‘alternative’, me!  Question is, will I ever pluck up courage to wear it?  People don’t wear skirts much at all these days, never mind long wacky indian print ones in bright colours!  With green and orange zebras on!

But why not?  I shall wear it next time I return to Brighton.

Fear of grief

Posted on by Cathy Penman

This is why I have had to look through every piece of paper that is in the house – amongst all the junk, I occasionally find a treasure!  Have come across some early writing of mine including a poem which I must have written at the time of my wedding on the Isle of Wight in 1988.  I don’t think I’ve seen it since then.

Difficult to read and retype, the particularly poignant verse being:

I will work through pain and problems,
Lean to live with fear of grief.
What we’ve had is worth a lifetime,
Even should our time be brief.

Well, our time wasn’t that brief (29 years), but I did end up experiencing grief at the end of it.

Link to complete poem here:  Wedding

Appointment with a llama

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Llama 2 only

I have finally achieved another animal experience I had set myself to undertake – ‘walking with llamas’.

As I drove down there I was thinking, I’ve got an appointment with a llama!

It was at Ashdown Forest Llama Park and I chanced on a beautiful sunny day.  My llama was large and dark coloured and walked alongside me very obediently and without issue. Only towards the end of the walk, when we crossed a golf course, did all the llamas tend to stop to crop grass as we walked.

It was an hour and a half with some uphill bits, and it was about at the limit of what I can manage in terms of fitness.  Very pleased to have done it successfully though, and really enjoyed the day.

It’s a great way to get some exercise in an interesting way, and also a way for someone on their own to go for a country walk with some company and in safety.

I want to do it again!

 

 

The Red Arrows in a Constable

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Red arrows in painting

I was amused by this painting I saw in a pub somewhere – the red arrows aircraft display team appearing in a traditional Constable painting!

I did see them this year, when they were appearing at an airshow nearby.  I must admit I’m always impressed – on a physical level the wonderful noise is just exciting, on a mental level you can’t help but marvel at the wonder of human achievement, and skill, that such a thing is possible.

They always make me think of my father, who passed away many years ago, my first bereavement.  He had been in the air force and was always interested in aircraft, in fact my last photo of him was an at airshow – I came across it the other day when sorting things out.

I wonder what Constable would think if he could see how his masterpiece had been embellished?

 

Casablanca Steps

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These are the Casablanca Steps, which I have written about in A Widow’s Words.

A jazz band that plays cheerful, humorous songs at the country shows – I have seen them often.  It was horribly difficult the first time I saw them after my loss – knowing that the person I had watched them with before would never see them again.

They can’t know how poignant they have become for me.

 

Grits

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I have often before noticed the phenomenon that after you come across a new word, you then find you hear it more often than you would expect.  The conclusion can only be that it’s about as prevalent as it always was, but you notice it because you are now aware of it.

In the USA in July, I had something I’d never eaten before, something which is very common in the States but which I have never, ever seen on any menu in England.  Grits.  Actually ‘cheese grits’.  A sort of mushy stuff made out of ground corn, or something, which is served with breakfast.  I enjoyed them, but couldn’t finish the whole bowl.

Since my return, I can’t believe how often references to grits have come up in books or newspapers or on TV.  They’ve been referred to several times on US shows and cartoons, it seems amazing.  In the past the word must have gone in one ear and out the other.

Similarly ‘corn dogs’.  I’ve never had one of these before but really enjoyed eating one in Kentucky.  A frankfurter sausage on a stick with generous, slightly sweet batter, something like yorkshire pudding mix but crispy on the outside.  So far two references to corn dogs noted since my return!

Well, grits I can leave, but I’d love to eat another corn dog!  Wonder if I can source one in London somewhere?

(The second picture is fried chicken with sweet waffles and syrup.)

 

A Small Death

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Farthing

One of my goldfish has died.  Farthing.  (Came after Orange, Lemon, and Clement.)

It was the most placid fish, and seemed to have a calming effect on the others.  It was a ‘neutral’ fish – it was never aggressive, never bullied the others, and it seldom got chased or bullied itself.  I thought of it as probably female because of this behaviour, but can’t be sure.

For about a week it became listless, sitting at the bottom of the tank and not swimming around.  I separated it yesterday morning and it was clearly not well, not able to right itself, floating on its side.

It once before nearly died, after I first got it, but somehow it recovered, so this had sort of been its extra life anyway (about two years).

I hoped it might survive but found it dead late last night.  I have buried it in a place that only I know.

It’s only a small death, but nevertheless… the spectre of death presenting itself again.

It does of course make you aware of the parallels of when a person close to you had their last few days and died.

Poor Farthing.  You shared a bit of my life with me, in a small way.

I do wonder whether the remaining fish, for a moment, in some part of their brains, notice the absence of one of their companions.  (‘What happened to that nice quiet orange fish with the big tail that we used to swim around with?’)  This is something we humans will never know – such a thought could not be detectable or measurable. Maybe if there were only two fish, the remaining one might change in its behaviour, indicating an awareness of loss.  But with several remaining, they all behave as normal and there’s no way of knowing if they know or care (unlikely).

Never mind, I care.

 

 

 

 

Breyerfest 2017

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I’ve been collecting Breyer horse models (possessions have become a consolation) and decided to go to the Breyerfest collectors’ event in Lexington, Kentucky, in July this year.

It was a great success, a sensible sort of thing to do alone.  I attended the event for three days running at the Kentucky Horse Park, did a ‘horse farm’ minibus tour, visited Mary Lincoln’s house, and generally enjoyed the hot weather and excitement of being back in America.

I also – since there was no public transport and I didn’t want to hire a car – learnt how to use Uber taxis, and have now tried them back home as well.  Very useful.

And I must not neglect to mention that (despite being extremely anxious about the risks involved) I managed to go horseriding as well, so have now ridden three different horses in three countries:

– Titan in Menorca
– Alfie in England
– Hank in the USA

Quiz:  How many Breyer horse models did I manage to carry home with me from America in my case and hand luggage?

  1. Two (Would have been sensible)
  2. Five (Would have been quite a few)
  3. Eight! (Well, that was the whole point of going out with a large, half empty suitcase!)

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