Dear John

This is the original Eulogy I wrote secretly in a private moment, after the first few days.  When I feared the worst, but really just hoped that it was a flight of fancy, that I would be showing it to you one day and saying – look, I thought you would die, I even wrote your Eulogy!

Dear John

I’ve kept saying to people, ‘he’s such a kind man’, but this doesn’t begin to express it.  I can’t put into words (I know how you hated that statement, so I’ll have to try) what your character was like.  I knew you better than anyone, and I know that in your soul, in your centre, you were ultimately kind and compassionate, understanding and forgiving, non-judgemental, and utterly supportive towards me in every way.  You gave me 29 years of your life.  I know that you loved me, you said such amazing things.  I loved you too, I cared for you so much, believe me.  I will have the rest of my life to reflect on how much.

John, you were such a sensitive, emotional, intelligent, philosophical, intellectual person.  I’m sorry you never had the chance to fully express yourself, to share your outlook and insights with the world.  The world has missed out; I genuinely believe this.  I always said I wasn’t a big enough audience for you.  Lots of people liked you, lots of people loved you.  Your humour was amazing, so clever and quick.  Your general knowledge was amazing, and your interests went far beyond your most major ones of history and art, you could talk about any topic.  We talked so often of biology and science and evolution, and you also loved football and other sport.  We laughed a lot recently at the ‘Ancient Aliens’ programmes with all their rhetorical questions.  We watched ‘Only Connect’ as a regular tradition, freezing the ‘wall’ and enjoying guessing the answers.

You were hurt early in your life by the death of your parents, and you had struggled and overcome emotional issues.  You were working to overcome your current problems.  I so wish you had had a bit more time.  I so wish you had had at least a few years of the retirement you were hoping for.  I had planned a future for you, I would look after you completely, you would sit in bed and get better, doing nothing but reading books, listening to CDs and watching DVDs.  You would have loved it, to have a simple happy life.  I am so sorry that you ended up working to the end, poor poor John.

To have shared so much with you, so many joint experiences, so many occasions where you showed you knew my own past better than I knew it myself – you would remember things about our shared life that I had forgotten.  How on earth to bear not being able to share all that with you any more, but having to carry all those memories alone?  How on earth not to regret the things not said, not done?

I hope you were happy and enjoyed life, John.  I know you would have said that you were happy and that you did.  It was a privilege to share it with you, and I will miss you immensely, as will all who have known you.

Dear dear John, i will think always of those extra quiet years we never had.  Love you forever.

Your wife