One Year

Went to a Bereavement Group meeting and heard some horrible stories about other people’s recent experiences.  I suppose there does come a point when that isn’t helpful – it would be better, maybe, to go to some different type of meeting now, that would help me to be more cheerful and move on, rather than dwelling on horrible things and sadness.

I talked about how I felt about it being the one year anniversary of the start of the ‘hospital period’, how I had to push it out of my mind a bit because it made me flinch to remember what it was like, visiting him every single day for so long, and never being able to communicate, and gradually losing hope.  If I’m not careful, it can feel like he’s still there in that hospital and it’s all happening again.  I can so picture every part of it, all the details of what happened.

On the day that was the anniversary of.. it happening, I went to the place and ‘paid my respects’, and also went to the Cemetery and left a beautiful big bunch of purple lilies (which neither he nor anyone else he knew will ever see).  I must be careful or my profundity about all this will become debilitating.

I deliberately went Christmas shopping afterwards, and now I am keeping myself busy finishing off my newly decorated bedroom, just as a way of trying to return to normality and stay in the real world.

It doesn’t mean I’m not (very) aware, or that I’ll forget.

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